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9/26/2020

The Do’s and Don’t’s of Talking With a Child About the Death of a Loved One - By Guest Blogger Danica Thurber

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The Do’s and Don’t’s of Talking With a Child About the Death of a Loved One
The Do’s and Don’t’s of Talking With a Child About the Death of a Loved One

1 in 5 children will experience the death of someone close to them by age 18. 
(Kenneth Doka, Editor of OMEGA, Journal of Death and Dying) 

Talking to a child about death may be one of the hardest things you have to do in your life. I conducted a survey in early 2020 about parents’ experiences with helping their children talk about and grieve the loss of a loved one. One respondent’s answer was very telling: 

[M]y husband, their father, died. Telling my kids was even more painful than his death. 

That’s what makes this topic so complicated: along with starting difficult conversations with your children, you yourself may be deep in the throes of grief for the loss of the same loved one. 

While I wish that there was a way to lessen your pain, I have found that there are several things you can bring into conversations with your kids to make it easier. 

As another survey respondent wrote: 

Knowing the right language and having guidance on how to talk about death can help make the conversation less scary and have the confidence the conversation is healthy.

The following tips will do just that - provide guidance that can help you have some structure, as well as some confidence, as you enter the unknowns of these difficult conversations with your children. 

DON’T SOFTEN YOUR LANGUAGE - BE DIRECT

“We speak of heaven and of illness. We do not use words such as ‘she went to sleep’... It can be hard at first to be direct, but two years later we see great fruit from the hard conversations.” - 2020 survey respondent

It can be tempting to soften the blow by softening your language (“he passed away,” “she went to heaven in her sleep”). However, kids don’t necessarily grasp the nuances of adult language. For young children especially, it’s important to use the words “dead” and “death” and then to describe what that actually means. For example:

“… explain that when someone dies their body stops working, they can’t eat, talk, feel, etc. That their heart and lungs stop working…” - 2020 survey respondent

My children’s book, “Lulu Faces Loss and Finds Encouragement,” portrays this type of direct conversation in a simple and emotional way. The main character, Lulu is eight years old, and because this is her first major loss, she needs to know precisely what death means as it applies to her relationship with her Grandma: 

Lulu Learns Encouragement Book Cover
Once a child understands the physical reality of death, you can then explain it in terms of your family’s spiritual beliefs regarding what happens after death.

If you’re facing an impending death, you’ve got a good opportunity to be honest with children now about a loved one’s prognosis. I know it’s hard to be honest about this, because you may be having a hard time accepting their prognosis as well. However, talking about what will happen when the loved one dies, as well as who will take care of them, and then answering their questions, will greatly help them prepare for a loved one's impending death. 

“My husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer in 2016. He died in May 2019. [A]long the way we worked to be honest with our kids about how serious it was while also not wanting to burden them more than was necessary.” - 2020 survey respondent

SHARE APPROPRIATELY

Kids though, take all their cues from their parents. While I was in deep traumatic grief, I tried to remain/appear steady for them. - 2020 survey respondent

The concept of death is something that is acquired as a child matures and goes through life experiences. Explaining death using concepts that are either too old, or too young for the child, may cause more frustration and hurt. It may be helpful to research developmental understanding of death before approaching your conversation with your child. Cancer.net has a very helpful summary. 

According to cancer.net, school-aged children (6-12 years old) are able to understand that death is final (AKA, irreversible regardless of what they think, say or do). However, they may still think of the deceased person existing in a changed form, such a spirit, like a ghost, angel, or a skeleton. “By age 10, [children can] understand that death happens to everyone and cannot be avoided,” that is, they understand the universality of death. They may be interested in the specific details surrounding the circumstances of that person’s death, or what is being done to the body (autopsy, cremation, burial). School-aged children “[m]ay experience a range of emotions including guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, sadness, and worry about their own death,” and they may also incorrectly assign blame to themselves, thinking they somehow caused the death. Every child will experience grief differently, but some may “[s]truggle to talk about their feelings. Their feelings may come out through behaviors such as school avoidance, poor performance in school, aggression, physical symptoms, withdrawal from friends, and regression.” In addition, school-aged children “[m]ay worry about who will take care of them, and will likely experience feelings of insecurity, clinginess, and abandonment.” 

In light of this age-centered understanding of death, when talking to a school-aged child about death, you may:

  • Expect to see or hear them talk about the deceased in the form of spirits, ghosts, angels, or skeletons. 
  • Expect them to have questions about the cause and circumstances of death
  • Reassure them that they had no part in the cause of the loved ones death, nor was there anything they could have done to prevent it.
  • Affirm that a range of emotions are healthy and acceptable to feel in reaction to the death of a loved one. It could be helpful to share a few times when you’ve felt sad or angry. Knowing an adult has felt this way legitimizes the child’s right to feel that way, too.
  • Help them understand that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express those feelings. Provide specific examples (“I realize you’re feeling angry that your dad died. It’s ok to feel that way. However, hitting your classmate like you did today is not an OK way to express this anger. I would like you to take five minutes to scribble on this piece of paper, and I’ll check in with you after you’re done.”)

REASSURE THEM

“Helping them know their dad is still with them, loves them and is proud of them.” - 2020 survey respondent

A child’s sense of security is rocked when a loved one dies. Speaking from my own experience of childhood loss,
I know that children will need an abundance of reassurance in the coming weeks and months in order to recover that loss of security. 


DON’T say things like these:

  • “(The deceased) wouldn’t want you to be sad!”
  • “We should be happy because they’re in heaven/not suffering now.”
  • “We have to be strong for (surviving family members) now.”
  • “You’re the man (or woman) of the house now.”

Hopefully you can detect the cringe-worthy burdens lurking behind these words. While these phrases may have the appearance of reassurance, they only serve to stifle a child’s grief because of an expectation of how they “should” or “shouldn’t” be feeling.

Instead, here are some things you can do repeatedly (keyword!) in conversations with your school-aged child:
  • Provide lots of age-appropriate affection. Simply and silently holding a young child or hugging an older one while they cry can be the best way to comfort them.
  • Reassure them that while death is a fact of life, you are not going anywhere for a long time.
  • Reassure them that they will be taken care of, should something happen to you (provide details about specific arrangements where appropriate).
  • Reassure them that a range of emotions are healthy and acceptable to feel in reaction to the death of a loved one. (I’m repeating this one from the above list because it’s important.)

LET THEM LEAD

“I try to just meet them wherever they are emotionally. If they want to talk, we talk. If they want to cry, we cry.
If they want funny stories, we tell funny stories. I have found in my own grief, that grief is much more bearable
​if you’re allowed to talk about it & live in it. So i try to do that for them too.” - 2020 survey respondent


It’s commonly said that a child’s inability to cope with trauma or big emotions is the their mind’s way of protecting them. Children will tend to express their grief in small spurts, rather than in long, drawn out seasons, as an adult would. In between these spurts, the child may seem completely fine. According to cancer.net, “A child’s grief may seem to come and go. And a child may rarely verbally express his or her grief. This is normal. Your child may also re-experience the intensity of the loss as he or she grows up.” It’s almost as if the loss needs to be re-processed with each developmental stage they pass. I’ve certainly found this to be true in my own experience.

DON’T force a child to engage in a grief activity. Have activities such as a trip to the cemetery, a book about loss, or a therapeutic art activity ready to go for when they seem to be feeling sad or when they bring up a question. Let the child’s emotions lead you, but don’t be afraid to ask questions, either. You might also learn more from an overheard conversation during play time, or their recent drawing of the family.

“When the boys were 3 and 5, their brother died as a result of a birth defect […] We learned to be more in the moment when it came to grief for them-they would be sad and ask why he had to leave one minute and then be totally ok the next.” - 2020 survey respondent

WHEN TO SEEK HELP

If you yourself are emotionally incapacitated by the loss of a loved one, it can be near impossible to provide the support your child needs. It takes so much courage to recognize that you need help. Attending counseling and seeking social support from other trusted adults will help not only you, but your child as well. 

Pay special attention to signs that your child may be having an especially difficult time coping with a loved ones death:

  • Restlessness or difficulty sleeping
  • Low self-esteem or depression.
  • Persistent lack of interest in their usual activities
  • Long-term academic struggles
  • Isolation behaviors or loss of friendships
  • Risk-taking behaviors (drug and alcohol use, fighting, sexual experimentation)

See source link here.

​YOU CAN DO THIS

While you’re the adult in the situation, that doesn’t mean you have to have it all together, or provide all the answers. A listening ear, a comforting hug, and a willingness to answer questions will go a long way towards helping a child cope with the loss of a loved one. 

Remember, you’re allowed to grief, too. Showing at least some of your grief in front of your children shows them that it’s perfectly ok to feel their grief too. A family that learns to grieve together, no matter how messily, will be able to help each other find strength and hope as they navigate a loss, together. 

Books can be helpful tools for both you and your child. They can be conversation starters, as well as give you a tangible reference point for discussing things you don’t have words for (“remember how in the book, Grandma lost all of her hair? That’s what will happen to your mom soon.”). If you’re looking for a book that can help you and your child talk about things like death, cancer, hospice, or the loss of a grandparent, check out “Lulu Faces Loss and Finds Encouragement,” available on Amazon on October 20, 2020. 

​

Author

Danica Thurber is a professional artist, therapeutic art Life Coach, and art teacher. She's also the art ministry director at Vineyard Boise. Visit her website at https://projectgrief.org/​

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9/25/2020

US National Day of Remembrance for Murder Victims - 25 September 2020

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US National Day of Remembrance for Murder Victims 
Friday, September 25, 2020
Tragically, each year an estimated 14,249 persons are murdered nationwide, a murder every 36.9 minutes. 
Each day we miss and love those we've lost to violence, and stand heart-to-heart in solidarity with survivors.  Please take a special, intentional moment on Friday, September 25th to remember and pay tribute
​to all who have died by violence here in America, and around the world.  

If you've had a loved one taken from you by a violent act and are missing them and holding them in your heart and memory please leave a comment with their name and something special about them.

"So long as we live, they too shall live and love for they are a part of us as we remember them."  - Gates of Prayer

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9/20/2020

GRIEF & SUICIDE LOSS speech from THE 2ND ANNUAL ​STRENGTH 2 THRIVE WALK-A-THON FOR SUICIDE​PREVENTION AND AWARENESS

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My grief connection founder, sara Cobb, sPEaks ABOUT GRIEF & SUICIDE LOSS AT THE 
2ND ANNUAL ​STRENGTH 2 THRIVE WALK-A-THON FOR SUICIDE
​PREVENTION AND AWARENESS

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9/18/2020

International Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

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PictureInternational Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance
International Wave of Light for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance
Thursday, October 15, 2020 from 6:30 - 8:00 PM (MST)
Kohlerlawn Cemetery, 
76 6th St N, Nampa, ID 83687

October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
There will be a gathering together for a time of reflection and remembrance;
a message of hope; and a special naming service for our little ones gone too soon.
Meet at the Public Memorial for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, located in Kohlerlawn Cemetery in Nampa, Idaho on the back side of the Veteran's Memorial.
 
​

https://www.facebook.com/events/2790026561228123/

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9/14/2020

2nd Annual Strength 2 Thrive Overnight Walk-a-Thon for Suicide Prevention & Awareness - 19 Sept 2020

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2nd Annual Strength 2 Thrive Overnight Walk-a-Thon for Suicide Prevention & Awareness

Each year over 40,000 people in the United States complete suicide.  Even more attempt it.  
Idaho’s suicide rate is consistently 50% higher than the national average.
Strength 2 Thrive is aiming to raise public awareness & raise $200,000 for the Idaho Suicide Hotline.  


Donations raised for Strength 2 Thrive will go to Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline. Your gift is tax-deductible
and Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline will issue you a gift receipt following the event.


The 2nd Annual Strength 2 Thrive Walk-a-Thon will kick off at 8:00 pm, Saturday, September 19, 2020. 
General event festivities and team set up will begin at 7:00 pm.

Team members will take turns walking throughout the night, until 8:00 am on Monday, September 20, 2020.
There will be music & special speakers presenting during the event. The event will follow COVID-19 safely guidelines and will be held outside with over 3-acres space for lots of social distancing. Wearing masks is recommended. Participants and supporters are encouraged to bring their own tents, chairs, blankets, snacks, etc.


Forge International School
208 S. Hartley Lane
Middleton, ID 83644


The following local food & beverage vendors will be on hand:
Fly Wings
Wepa
Wok n Roll
Shiver n' Steam
Double Decker Espresso

​Strength 2 Thrive is being coordinated and hosted by Rhythm & Grace Counseling:
Owner: Chad Hanson
4 Ogden Ave. Nampa Idaho 83651
Phone: 208-505-4314
rhythmandgracecounseling@gmail.com
www.RhythmAndGraceCounseling.com
​

Visit the Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/Strength-2-Thrive-2428587897376568/

​
Visit the Facebook Event at: https://tinyurl.com/strength2thrive2020

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9/14/2020

Faith & Grief Online Support Gatherings For September & October 2020

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Faith & Grief Online Support Gatherings For September & October 2020
Faith & Grief Online Support Gatherings For September & October 2020

During this time of Covid-19 recommendations, Faith & Grief is offering support gatherings on various days of the month at Noon CST. For the safety of their participants, they and their host sites will not be hosting in-person support gatherings for the time being,please check for updates on future in-person support gatherings.

Here are the dates for the upcoming online grief support gatherings:
Thursday, September 17th
Friday, September 24th
Tuesday, October 6th
Thursday, October 15th

You can also join their Facebook group for updates, daily prayers & resources.

Please register and you will receive an email confirmation with the meeting access link & dial-in instructions. 
https://www.faithandgrief.org/gatherings/

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9/14/2020

The Healing After Loss Summit - Sept 14  through, Sept 27, 2020.

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Scatting Hope Presents The Healing After Loss Summit
The Healing After Loss Summit
Presented by Scattering Hope
The Summit runs from Monday, Sept 14  through, Sept 27, 2020.
Each days events begin at 7:00 PM (MST).
​
Be a part of this safe space, and learn more about grief and mental health care
from a wonderful roster of accredited speakers.

Join this 14-Day Summit to Get Next Steps, Find Support,
Get Tools That Work For YOU, & Begin Your Healing Journey.


Hear from Grief Counselors, Psychologists, Therapists, Yoga Teachers,
Energy Healers, Pastors and More! 
​

Streamed everyday for fourteen days to help YOU heal.
Join wherever you are, live or prerecorded!
Register here: https://scatteringhope1.clickfunnels.com/healing-after-loss42486509

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9/12/2020

Mass for Parents Who Have Lost a Child - Sept 15, 2020

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Mass For Parents Who Have Lost a Child, September 15, 2020
Mass for Parents Who Have Lost a Child​
St. Paul's Catholic Church, 510 W. Roosevelt, Nampa, ID 83686

Are you or someone you know mourning the death of a child because of a miscarriage,
accident, terminal illness, or abortion?

Join St. Paul's Catholic Church in Nampa, Idaho on Tuesday, Sept 15, 2020—the Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows--
for a special 6:30 p.m. Mass for parents who have lost a child.


St. Paul's Respect Life Ministry will hand out a flower to grieving parents after the Mass.

For more information visit: https://nampacatholic.church/

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9/12/2020

New DivorceCare Groups Meeting in Boise, Eagle (online) & Nampa, Idaho - September 2020

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New DivorceCare Groups Meeting in Boise, Eagle (online) & Nampa, Idaho - September 2020
New DivorceCare Groups Meeting in Boise, Eagle (online) & Nampa, Idaho - September 2020

​DivorceCare is a support group for people recovering from separation and divorce.  At DivorceCare,
you will find a friendly, caring group of people who will 
walk alongside you through one of life’s most
difficult experiences. This Christ-centered program makes use of teaching videos with numerous 
professionals,
workbooks, and group discussion to help you recover and move toward healing. 
Participants may join at any time during the 13-week session. 

---
DivorceCare at Nampa First Church of the Nazarene
601 16th Ave South, Nampa, Idaho 83651 - Sanctuary Room 252
DivorceCare is scheduled to meet on Wednesday nights starting September 16, 2020.
$10 registration ​fee covers the cost of a DivorceCare workbook
https://www.divorcecare.org/groups/126454
Facilitators: Marsha Rogers, Single Ministries Director (208) 989-1098
---
DivorceCare at The Summit Church
10375 Overland Rd., Boise, Idaho 83709 - Meeting Room B26
Meets on Mondays, in Room B26, starting September 14, 2020 from 6:30 - 8:00 pm. 

$15 registration ​fee covers the cost of a DivorceCare workbook, but scholarships may be available. 
Childcare: 3 years (and potty trained) through 6th grademay attend the AWANA program from
6:15 - 8:00 pm. 
 This provides a way for parents with children to attend Divorce Care and knowt hat
​their kids are receiving biblical teaching as well.

https://www.divorcecare.org/groups/122880
​https://summitchurchboise.churchcenter.com/groups/seasonal-classes/divorcecare
https://www.facebook.com/SummitChurchBoise/posts/10158268085034718​
Group Facilitators: Mark and Barbara Buchanan, (208) 375-4031   
---
DivorceCare at Eagle Christian Church
100 South Short Road, Eagle, Idaho 83616
DivorceCare is a support group for people recovering from separation and divorce. At DivorceCare, you will find a friendly, caring group ofpeople who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. This Christ-centered program makes use of teaching videos with numerous professionals, workbooks, and group discussion to help you recover and move toward healing.  Participants may join at any time during the 13-week session. $25 registration ​fee covers the cost of a DivorceCare workbook, but scholarships are available. 
Meets on online on Wednesdays starting ​September 9- December 9, 2020 from 7:00 - 8:30 pm. 

https://www.divorcecare.org/groups/124393
​https://www.eaglechristianchurch.com/
Facilitators: Gary and Carolyn Tragesser, (208) 596-0854 

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9/7/2020

Paint in the Park Summer Pop-Up Retreat for the Widowed

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Paint in the Park Summer Pop-Up Retreat for the Widowed
Paint in the Park Summer Pop-Up Retreat for the Widowed

Masks & Proper Social Distancing Will Be Required.

Sunrise Retreats has had to postponed their 2020 widows retreats due to
safety reasons, but know that it these intimate weekends are a source of
hope and nourishment for so many. 


So, they came up with some ideas of how the Sunrise Retreats can still connect safely with their community. They have planned a series of Pop Up Retreats this summer for widows and widowers in the Boise, Idaho area. 

While these events are not "support groups" they ARE opportunities to visit, connect and support each other while participating in some type of
outdoor activity. This allows
participants to keep a 6 foot distance and
practice safe guidelines from health officials.


If you had lost a spouse, and live in the Boise area, they would love to have
you join them on Tuesday, September 15, 2020 to Paint in the Park
at Kristin Armstrong Park in Boise, Idaho, 11:30 am - 2:30 pm. 
 

If you had lost a spouse, and live in the Boise area,
they would love to have you join them.


PLEASE RSVP so they can have lunch ready. 
​

More info can be found at: https://sunriseretreat.org/summer-pop-up-retreats
https://www.facebook.com/events/598857420750258/

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9/6/2020

Camp Erin® South Idaho - November 13-15, 2020

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Camp Erin® South Idaho - November 13-15, 2020 
Idaho Camp Erin® is a three-day, overnight bereavement camp for children and teens ages 6 through 17 who
have experienced the death of someone significant in their life, such as a parent, sibling, family member or friend. 

Facilitated by professional staff and trained volunteers from Because Kids Grieve, Camp Erin South Idaho is
offered 
free of charge to all bereaved youth seeking support. Camp Erin combines grief education and emotional support with fun, traditional activities. Campers are provided a safe environment to explore their grief,
learn essential coping skills, and make friends with peers who are also grieving. The retreat weekend will
help bereaved youth share their grief experiences in creative ways through art projects, time to talk and share, outdoor games and challenge courses, participate in memorial activities and even share a campfire experience! Transportation for campers will be provided 
by Because Kids Grieve from our designated drop off
and pick up sites. ​Camp Erin is 
FREE to all campers through generous support from Eluna, donations
​from local corporations and other area organizations. 


The 2020 Camp Erin South Idaho will be held on November 13-15, 2020 at the Trinity Pines Camp & Conference
Center in Cascade, Idaho. Transportation for campers will be provided by Because Kids Grieve ​from our
designated drop off and pick up sites.

Parents or guardians must complete an application for each child or teen who would like to attend.
Applications are accepted until all available spaces are filled. Space is limited, so we encourage you to return the completed application as soon as possible. Please note that returning Camp Erin South Idaho participants
​will be considered after all spaces are offered to new campers.

THE APPLICATION DEADLINE FOR THE 2020 CAMP ERIN SOUTH IDAHO IS November 1, 2020.

For more information about Camp Erin, please contact Camp Erin South
Idaho at info@becausekidsgrieve.org 
Registration questions can be left on their message line at 208-352-2994.
https://becausekidsgrieve.org/what-is-camp-erin/
https://www.facebook.com/CEsouthidaho/

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9/6/2020

​Writing Through Loss and Trauma with David Kessler & Andrea Cagan

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​Writing Through Loss and Trauma with David Kessler & Andrea Cagan
​Writing Through Loss and Trauma with David Kessler & Andrea Cagan
Your story is important and you deserve the tools and encouragement to write it and share it. Grief expert, David Kessler & Author and best-selling editor, Andrea Cagan invite you to join them in their
5-week online workshop, Writing Through Loss and Trauma, where they will teach you a step-by-step method for how to write the story that your inner voice is telling you to share. 
This course combines grief support and writing guidance in every step of the way. Each week, you will receive three new teaching videos and a homework assignment. You will also be invited into a writer’s community where members 
will encourage and support each other. Everything will be recorded so that you can access it when
it’s convenient for you, and you will be able to revisit the teaching again and again.


Registration is open now!  Cost is $287.  Payment plan available. (Not an affiliate.)
​The program has a full money back guarantee.
To sign up visit: https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/writing-through-loss

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9/5/2020

6th Annual Fall Bereavement Conference

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6th Annual Fall Bereavement Conference Because Kids Grieve will be hosting the 6th Annual Fall Bereavement Conference on September 25th from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm.
6th Annual Fall Bereavement Conference
Because Kids Grieve will be hosting the 6th Annual Fall Bereavement Conference
on September 25th from 9:00 am to 4:00 pm. 

There will be two great presenters that you won’t want to miss! Nationally recognized bloggers
and speakers on topics related to grief and bereavement, Litsa Williams, MA, LCSW-C and Eleanor Haley, MS
of "What's Your Grief?", will be leading this year's discussion and training. 

Their extensive background in leadership and grief and bereavement support will
greatly benefit professionals dealing with these issues.

Social workers, Educators and Counselors may earn 5 CEUs by participating.

Join this online event from your home or office computer. The cost is $25.

To pre-register for the event visit https://becausekidsgrieve.org/contact/ and send a message
requesting a registration form and/or additional info at presbecausekidsgrieve@gmail.com 
or call them at 208-352-2994.

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9/1/2020

​Grief To Purpose Virtual Grief Symposium 2020: Navigating Emotions

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​Grief To Purpose Virtual Grief Symposium 2020: Navigating Emotions
​Grief To Purpose Virtual Grief Symposium 2020: Navigating Emotions
October 1 - 3, 2020

Join 2nd Annual 2020 Virtual Grief To Purpose Symposium 2020: Navigating Emotions
Hosted by Kristina Risinger.
Now accepting affiliates, sponsorship and vendors.

Sara Cobb, founder of My Grief Connection, is honored to be a featured symposium speaker
for this healing event which will bring together an amazing group of humans whose mission
​is to bring hope to the hearts of grievers.  

​
Early Bird 3 Day Attendee - $30
The 3 Day Attendee ticket will give you access to all interviews, sponsors, and vendor EXPO.
These tickets must be purchased before September 25th, 2020.

3 Day Attendee - $45
The 3 Day Attendee ticket will give you access to all interviews, sponsors, and vendor EXPO.

VIP All Access Pass
The VIP All Access Pass will give you access to all interviews, sponsors, and vendor EXPO
plus access to all interviews after the event and all speaker bonuses.


Join the Facebook group at:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2076529515825473/
Register with my affiliate link at: 
https://hopin.to/events/ruach-grief-to-purpose?ref=74d5b133f089
​

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    Sara J. Cobb

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